I’m so glad that this is going to be my first blog post. I’ve actually already written the next 4 posts, but I wanted this to be the first one because authenticity is at the root of what I strive for my patients to attain.
First let’s talk about what isn’t authenticity. Saying, this is how I am, take it or leave it is not authenticity, it’s selfishness. Authenticity is saying: This is who I am, please respect it, or I will authentically take my ass elsewhere.
Before we can live an authentic life we first have to get a good sense of who we are. Some of us were brought up in homes where boundaries were demonstrated, valued, and respected. If you grew up in a home like this you can probably stop reading now because you already have all the skills you need. For the rest of us, who were not allowed to authentically connect with ourselves out of fear that it would upset the already delicate balance of our family structures, there’s good news: It’s never too late to start living the life that we want.
So getting a good sense of who you are. What does that look like? It can start off simple: these are the things I like, these are the things I don’t like. Like I said, simple. Then from there we move on to more complex ideas, like what are my core beliefs. Your core beliefs may be different from mine, but the key is to keep it simple and short. These are some of my core beliefs: Everyone deserves the same amount of dignity and respect, and that includes me. I’m going to spend my time on the people who matter to me the most. This means that some folks will get short shrift. That is to be expected. When you sort out what does matter, you’re also going to find that you’re spending time on things that don’t matter. You need to also figure out what kind of interactions you’re going to allow. For sure I get yelled at sometimes, that’s part of psychiatry, but you also always have the right to remove yourself from a situation if it doesn’t fit your core values. It’s ok to say, for instance: “You’re obviously really upset but I’m not a person who allows folks to yell at me, so I’m going to have to end this conversation.” One core value my patient’s mention to me a lot is a need for equality and/or justice. If this is true for you it will be ego-syntonic (or supporting your sense of self) to create systems on a small or large scale that are fair. On the other hand, having to be in situations that are constantly unequal or unfair can be ego-dystonic or against our wishes or desires.
I often speak of knowing yourself, especially when teaching students, as particularly important in living an authentic life. Why is this so important? Because you can’t be true to yourself if you don’t know who you really are. So, let’s say you’ve done the work to get to know yourself and you know your core beliefs, what happens next?
Next, the point is to make your inner and outer lives coincide. This next step is probably the hardest because it means making actual changes to your life. Change is tough. The thing that usually makes change the hardest is that the people around you have gotten to know you a certain way, and when you’re ready to make changes to your life they may be totally unprepared. It may cause some dysfunction. It may cause some friction. Folks may accuse you of acting differently, and they’re right, when you know yourself well and try to live authentically, things will be different.
The best advice I can give, when moving from thinking authentically to living authentically, is to set boundaries that are appropriate and fair for everyone and are focused on you, not on other people. I’ll give you an example. Some might say: From now on no one can yell at me. This won’t really work because it puts the onus on other people and none of us can control what others do. A better boundary to set is: If someone is yelling at me I will give them two warnings to speak to me appropriately, and if they’re unable to, I will leave. Now it’s not about them, it’s about you and what you’re willing to tolerate. I could go on with countless examples, but authenticity is really about 2 things: 1. Knowing who you are. 2. Creating a life that is supportive of your core beliefs.